Just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean you should marry your fiance! Here’s how to know if marriage really is the right decision for you – especially if you’re having second thoughts about getting married.
“My fiance and I are due to get married in five weeks,” says A. on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “He is here on an engagement visa which means we have to be married by Sept 2 or the visa expires, and he has to leave. Our problem is that we can’t seem to get on the same page in life.”
Below, she describes the red flags in her relationship – which I think are major for two reasons: 1) she calls it a “tortured, tormented love”; and 2) she wants kids, but he doesn’t.
“We are both 37, and I want a family, but he still is unsure if he wants one,” she says. “We love each other very much, but we constantly battle over this issue. It’s is a tortured, tormented love. He wants me to say I will marry him with the possibility of giving up my dream of having a family. I know I will resent him for that. I want him to say he loves me enough to have one with me. Should we let each other go and never see each other again? Or, continue knowing that one of us may be unhappy down the road?”
I think they should let each other go. Here’s why – and my reasons serve as tips for all women, to help them know if they should marry the guys they’re engaged to. A. isn’t alone in her feelings of hesitation and doubt – nor is she the only one second-guessing her engagement!
These are reasons NOT to get married
There are some things married couples can live with, such as a preference for Indian over Italian food. Other things are major dividing factors – and children is one of them. So is money.
If you want kids and your fiancé doesn’t, then your family goes are NOT compatible, and you shouldn’t marry him. You will forever regret your decision, and you will waste your most fertile years. By the time you decide to follow your heart and pursue what you wanted all along (a family), you’ll be in your mid-forties or older. Sure, you could still get pregnant, and you could still adopt, but the older you are, the more difficult it is.
Incompatible family goals are one of the most significant red flags for marriage – if not the biggest one. I think money problems are easier to work through than children incompatibilities.
You feel pressured to marry the guy you’re engaged to
A. is facing a time crunch – she has to marry him by September 2, or he loses his visa. This is the absolute worst situation in which to decide about something SO important! This is a huge amount of pressure, and it’s unfair to her.
This is another reason I say no, he’s not the right guy to marry. I don’t care if you’re engaged, and the wedding is tomorrow. The embarrassment and discomfort of canceling a wedding are minor compared to the pain of being married to the wrong guy.